We live in a society of extreme “need denial”. “Wanting” things is cool. Wanting a man or a woman in your relationship to be a certain way shows you have standards, we can celebrate that. But admitting you NEED things? That shows you are weak and codependent and pathetic, right? And so it often seems better to lie to the world and often yourself about what you really need. That is a very big problem, because if we aren’t fully aware and accepting of what we need, we will likely never put in the effort to create it.
This problem mainly stems from what we consider how a “need” is defined. If a need means “what is required to be happy”, then many people will say they have few needs. I’ll be the first one to say that. My entire personality is geared towards hyper-independence. I could live out in the woods in a tent by myself and meditate and masturbate most of my life away and still be “happy”. Thats why when asked what I need to be happy I wouldn’t know how to respond intelligently. “Ummm…. my dick?… and lots of hamburgers?”
I say fuck happiness. Seriously fuck it. Anyone could learn to be relatively happy by just learning acceptance and living more in the ‘now’. But just being happy isn’t good enough for me. I deserve and am capable of getting far better, and I think the same is true for you. So I’m reframing “needs” as “what is required to THRIVE”. This definition tweak is a complete game changer. If you can’t see now that you have tons of needs, you aren’t looking hard enough. Here is how it changes things for me:
What I need to be HAPPY:
-food
-a tent
-my dick
-the ability to accept/be present
What I need to THRIVE (I’ll focus solely within a relationship):
-a woman
-specifically a woman who:
--supports and shows interest in my mission
--respects me as a man by NOT telling me what to do OR asking me to do something
--accepts me for who I am
--tells me and shows me how much she appreciates my devotion to her
--shows me she loves my dick more than I do
--has a great sense of humor and laughs at my jokes
--expresses all her feelings to me
--is brutally honest about how she FEELS
--is sweet and affectionate and feminine
--loves me unconditionally
--loves herself unconditionally
--is growth oriented (specifically not resistant to growth)
--gracious with everything I give her so I feel compelled to give her more
--works hard to trust me, or if the trust is not yet there, then willing to act on faith until I can prove myself
--makes me feel like a man and makes me want to lead her as a gift
--RESPECTS AND VALUES ME AS A MAN BY MEETING MY NEEDS THROUGH HER SUBMISSION TO MY LEADERSHIP
I could go on for pages. I have SOOOOO many needs. I think this is mostly universal for what a man needs to thrive if they are self-aware and self-honest. And while I am not a woman, I can take a reasonable stab at what women universally need to thrive if they are truly self-aware and self-honest (again, solely within a relationship):
-a man
-specifically a man who:
--is a confident and competent leader to make decisions on her behalf
--cares about how she feels and will take the time to listen to, and adjust his behaviour based on her feelings
--is emotionally centered
--has a great sense of humor and can always make her laugh
--loves her unconditionally
--loves himself unconditionally
--lets her give him her full support
--has firm boundaries and is clear in what he wants (and doesnt want)
--will always follow through on his word and is a man of honor
--is brutally honest about what he THINKS (judges right and wrong, good from bad but is not judgemental)
--knows what he is doing in bed and does it confidently
-- makes her feel safe, protected, provided for, and feminine
--RESPECTS AND VALUES HER AS A WOMAN BY DEVOTING HIMSELF TO HER NEEDS/FEELINGS THROUGH HIS LEADERSHIP AND ACTION
Again, I could go on for pages but I don’t have all day. The point is, men and women have tons of needs. They need each other. Not necessarily to ‘be happy’. But definitely to thrive. And ultimately, the Biggest Commitment that a man and woman make to each other isn’t ‘exclusivity’, or ‘moving in together’ or even ‘getting married’. Its willingly choosing to BECOME the person their partner needs to thrive. And make that same choice every day for as long as they are together.
The unwritten agreement of each partner is “I will be who you need me to be.” The agreement is NOT made because one or both partners are putting that on the other as a BURDEN. A burden is when when your partner can’t accept or love you as you are now and communicates an entitlement for you to change for them so they can be happy. You’d be changing for all the wrong reasons; to get approval and love or avoid disapproval or unpleasant emotional reactions. That is codependence, YUCK. A relationship where one partner is controlling and the other is needy and lacks a backbone. You’ll get nothing but resentment and hurt feelings from going down that road. Don’t change yourself when your partner makes it feel like a burden to meet their needs! And don’t change yourself when your partner isn’t willing to change too. Just DON’T!
No, I’m talking about a road that looks very similar to the co-dependency road on the surface, but the intent to change is completely and utterly different. You take it on as a responsibility to grow towards what your partner needs as a GIFT to them. Because your joy comes from becoming more of what they need to thrive. The joy doesn’t come from your own ego gratification. It comes from the love of giving to the person you love and seeing how it makes them thrive. And taking on that responsibility is a CHOICE.
Because you are changing yourself to give your partner more of what they need to thrive, they feel compelled to reciprocate back to be more of what you need to thrive. And because they are changing for you, you once again feel compelled to reciprocate back to them. It is just back and forth energetic gift giving.
A man leads a womans growth towards change with his direction. Telling her what he wants her to do (or not do) so she can submit to that direction. Whereas a woman inspires a mans growth towards change with her feelings. Expressing to him how she feels so he can devote himself to her happiness. This is the ultimate dance of interdependence based on masculine-feminine polarity. If both partners are on board with this commitment of gift giving, amazing things happen. Not only will you find great joy in giving your partner what they need, you will move much closer to becoming the best version of yourself that you always had the potential to be. A devoted masculine man. And a surrendered feminine woman.
You’ll get EVERYTHING you ever wanted from going down this road. And much more that you didn’t even know you wanted…
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