I was probably near as healthy as I could get for a narcissist thanks to many years of self-development. Before I finally healed. In fact, I would say I was the most awesome amazing super duper sweet mega-healthy narcissist who ever existed in this reality or any alt-reality. Which made me far superior to all the rest of the healthy narcissists and certainly everyone else! (self-compliments added for comedic effect).
A person is on the narcissism spectrum if they perceive themselves and their needs as more important than others. As superior. As more worthy. As special. Its an obsession with the self over the ‘other’. Its an unbalance of the masculine program based on acquiring value (SELF focused, valuing SELF) at the expense of the feminine program based on giving value (OTHER focused, valuing OTHERS).
At the unhealthy extremes, you get clinical cases of NDP (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). People who need immense amounts of external validation to maintain their fragile identity. This external validation is so important to their sense of self that these narcissists will develop incredibly skillful forms of manipulation to get that validation from others. They will destroy any number of lives of people that they supposedly love to get the validation they need to maintain the identity. And worst of all, most have zero insight into their own pathological behaviour, because every single action is rationalized.
But at the healthy extreme of the spectrum, you get something profoundly different. And in many (but NOT all) aspects, it is so healthy that its hard to even consider it a problem. Especially from the healthy narcissists perspective. As a healthy narcissist, I didn’t need external validation from others and didn’t waste my energy seeking it out. I also didn’t even need my own self-validation anymore, because I had loosened my attachment to my identity to such an extent that I could just laugh at myself about anything. That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy validation from others or myself. Nor did it mean I couldn't be triggered if a person got under my skin. It just meant that the validation or judgment of others or myself didn't drive me. And my emotional responses were usually just one more thing for me to laugh at because I saw them for what they really were. Same is true today!
I wore my identity as a costume for fun. For self-entertainment. I would talk myself up because it amused me to play that role based on self-admiration. But I could talk myself down and play a victim role for amusement too. Or any other role. I like roleplay. I really did admire myself a lot (and still do) but I saw it all as the joke it was. There was rarely seriousness to it. It was all just costumes I put on for self-amusement. My identity was fluid. Because costumes are fun.
Self-amusement is a critical part of being a healthy narcissist. Because once you let go of the need to get validation from others, and the need to get validation from yourself, you just get to PLAY. You get to have fun outside of the identity prison you used to spend so much time reinforcing and protecting. Instead of trying to get validation for that identity from others or from your own affirmations, you can have fun creating value for yourself. What is value? Absolutely ANYTHING that makes you feel GOOD! Either immediately, or in the future.
Following your passions. Doing what brings you joy in life. Talking about what entertains you. Making jokes that you find funny. Creating what you love. Following your turn-ons. Everything in life becomes increasingly like a game. And in many ways this is the most pure form of being YOU, as an individual. It’s like being a child again. And operating in that mode generates plenty of value for yourself.
This all sounds pretty great right? It certainly sounds a lot better than how most people live. Most people live a life as a slave to their own identity. Acting to reinforce their identity-prison by getting validation from others or themselves, or avoiding disapproval from others or themselves. That prison forces you to take yourself and life much more seriously and experience much less enjoyment than is potentially possible. When comparing the way I was operating to THAT, it really seemed I was near an ideal end goal of self development. From the healthy narcissists perspective, there is no reason to grow much further. So is it any wonder that I was stuck in that way of operating for so long? Is it any wonder that many spiritual seekers and self-improvement junkies (including coaches, authors, and other influencers) are still stuck in that way of operating? Doesn’t surprise me one bit.
But the truth is, there is a FAR better way to operate in the world. Yet it is only possible once you truly open up your heart and recognize other people and their needs as just as valuable and important as you and your needs. And I don’t mean recognize them as equally valuable conceptually, I mean actually experiencing it that way, in your heart. That’s the sticking point for people on the narcissist spectrum. You can become the healthiest narcissist in the world (a super duper mega-healthy one), but until you experience the true intrinsic value of others and their needs, you are not living life to its fullest.
I took my first step onto that path the second my son was born. The instant I saw him, I loved him more than I could have ever loved myself. I thought I knew what love was. I loved my wife. I loved my parents and my brother. I loved life. And of course I loved myself. Narcissists can love! And express that love. And I have done a lot of both in my life. But this was something else altogether. I don’t think anyone can comprehend it until they become a parent. And sadly, I think many unhealthier parents still don’t experience that level of love for their child. Its not just love, its passionate devotion to someone else’s needs.
I had never cared much about anyone else’s needs. Narcissists don’t ‘do’ other peoples needs. In my reality, my needs were my responsibility, and other peoples needs were their responsibility. If I met someones needs by accident by doing the things that created value for me, great. But if they needed something I didn’t want to give, I’d have zero interest. Because it felt draining, like I wasn't getting anything out of it. Has someone ever given you a nice gift that you didn’t ask for when they knew what you really wanted? That’s how a narcissist gives. Giving what they want to give you because it makes them happy to give it. With little regard for what you actually need or want. You might be able to get away with that with other adults who can meet their own needs. But you sure can’t with a newborn baby! You either meet their needs, or screw them up beyond all comprehension.
Thankfully, I immediately loved my son more than I loved myself. He was the most special, perfect little boy just the way he was. And so meeting his needs did not immediately drain me. I loved doing it. Of course, as a man, I would hit my limit to mother a child far faster than my wife would (though I tried my absolute best). But I experienced no such limits on acting to father my son (through my protection). And the universe certainly gave me that opportunity. Because my son was born with a life-threatening condition. And from the minute he was born, I had to defend him from a medical system I knew was not in his best interest. And figure out ways to get him healthy. All I wanted to do was devote myself to him in every way I possibly could.
It was my son that opened me to being able to value another person and their needs like I value my own. But he opened my heart to more than just him and his needs. Because of him, I realized I was not devoted to my wife at all. I loved her deeply, and treated her relatively well, and we had enormous amounts of fun together every day. But there was no devotion towards her. There was little desire to meet her needs independent of my own. Only if fulfilling her needs also met my own. But with a recently opened heart, I suddenly wanted that to change. And so I made my first attempt to devote my masculine gifts to her the same way I did for my son. By opening my heart up completely and giving myself to her and prioritizing her needs.
I expected she would magically change her way of interacting with me overnight (narcissist mentality; world should revolve around me). But not surprisingly, that devotion was not immediately returned in full. I wasn’t giving to her to get, but on some level, I still needed full energetic reciprocation. And not receiving it triggered me in such a way that I have never felt before. It triggered my core childhood wound. The wound I had unknowingly spent endless amounts of energy keeping covered up. And it really, really hurt.
My core childhood wound was based on not giving too much to others because I might not have enough resources (energy, time, love, money, whatever) left for myself. I knew enough about my personality type to know that was my core wound. But I didn’t know how to go about healing it, and I couldn’t really see any reason why I should bother healing it. How would giving more to people benefit ME??? (this is the unbalanced masculine/narcissist lens). I couldn’t see a reason… until I accidentally created an opportunity to heal the wound.
The triggering event ripped off everything I had covered up that wound with since early childhood. And gave me the opportunity to move into the pain that was waiting for me there. There was a lot of pain to process. Up to the surface came feelings of unmet needs in very early childhood and an experiential understanding of how my personality formed the way it did. I felt all of those feelings fully. It was so overwhelming I couldn’t help but cry. So I cried. And I cried. And I cried. Heaving choking sobbing. The really unattractive pathetic kind. Until I had released all the pain I could access. In so doing, I healed my core wound.
Incredibly, after that healing, I could give to my wife so much more freely than before, no strings attached. Instead of it being a draining chore for me, it felt energizing to devote myself to her needs even when it did nothing for my own. Her needs actually became more fun to meet than many of my own. I didn’t ‘need’ to take on that responsibility. My identity as a husband or as a man or as a good person is just a costume like anything else. It was a choice I freely chose. Because it was suddenly enjoyable and energizing.
This allowed me to meet my wife's needs so she could focus on giving her best gifts to our son as an incredibly loving mother. And I kept giving all I could to my son too. I gave him the six happiest months of life I was capable of giving, by meeting every need with joy, love, and presence….
And then, just over four months ago now, he died. A tragedy beyond any possible emotional description.
But a part of him has stayed with me. His gift to me of opening up my heart did not leave with his passing. I like to think that his purpose in life was to open up my heart. And once I had done the hard painful work of healing my wound to keep it open permanently, he left for some reality that is much less crappy and much more loving than this one. Believing that doesn’t really make me feel any better. But its a nice thought. Or maybe its just the remnants of my narcissism talking where everything that has ever happened is somehow all about me me me?
Whatever the case may be, my heart has stayed open. My devotion program remained online. Not just for my wife, I felt the shift with friends, family, and humanity as well. I still have a long way to go of course. As if it would be that easy to heal everything in one go. I know my heart still has a much greater capacity to love people as unconditionally as I love myself. To experience everyone as intrinsically valuable as I experience myself. To devote myself to everyone the way I devote to myself. But my son set me on the path. And I now understand why the path is worth taking.
Why do I devote myself to waking people up and bettering their lives and trying to meet their needs? Its certainly not a saviour complex (though that would fit in super nicely with a narcissists grandiose sense of self importance). Its certainly not so I can feel worthy as a human being. I know that life is a game, and my identity is a joke. I could play the game any way I want. I could watch the world burn while doing nothing, or even while profiting from it. And I wouldn’t feel bad about my selfishness. I could make my wife take care of all her own needs again, and I wouldn’t feel bad about my selfishness. I could do nothing for others and go back to focusing on my own passions, amusement, and turn-ons like I did before, and I wouldn’t feel bad about my selfishness. Because I’m outside of the identity prison, so I experience life as a game. I can play my character within the game however I want.
But with my heart now open, the best and most enjoyable way to play the game is to use my gifts to create value to meet other peoples needs. The best and most enjoyable way to play the game is to CHOOSE to be responsible to meet other peoples needs, even though I don’t have to because that responsibility is ultimately their own. The best and most enjoyable way to play the game is to try to love the figurative and maybe even literal shit out of everybody. To my full capacity. As much as I love myself. The more I do, the better life gets. That’s why I do what I do.
So now you hopefully have more insight into the pathology of narcissists in your life. The unhealthy ones are obvious. The healthy ones? Much less so. Maybe you are one and didn't even know it?
If you are one, even if you are a healthy one, who thinks the game of life is all about focusing on yourself and your turn-ons and ignoring the needs of others... I have some tough love advice: Get over yourself! Heal your wounds! Its worth it!
… or not? You could just have fun continuing to live that way because its an awesome way to live! Go as far as you can with that, burn down the identity prison right to the ground so that your actions are not ruled one bit by what others think of you, or what you think of you. And then, if you’re extraordinarily lucky, someone might enter your life that forces your heart wide open. And give you a glimpse of a way of operating with the world that is far better than you could have ever imagined. Maybe then, you will choose to heal your wounds.
